Finding closure after my loss

During the summer of 2010, I was driving to the mountains for a vacation. My mother got a phone call, stopped the car and stepped outside. She was talking on the phone for a while, and I began wondering why it was taking so long. She finally returned, and gave me the news that my father had been in an accident. Assuming he was injured, I prepared myself to ditch our vacation plans and go to the hospital when she blurted out, “He’s dead.”

That feeling is the most difficult thing in the world to explain. It’s like being hit in the chest with a brick over and over again as the words replay in your mind. There is no other feeling in the world like it, and it was so surreal that I barely remember what my reaction was. There was crying, but there was a numbness that I will never begin to understand.

I learned that he had taken a jet ski out to the lake without anyone there to watch or supervise and that he died from a heart attack in the water. There has been a change in me ever since I heard those two words. All I wanted after that was to feel happiness again, but all I could achieve was numbness. There is no person in this world who I would wish that feeling upon. Teenagers and children should not lose their parents. Parents should not lose their children. But losing loved ones is an uncontrollable fact of life. No one can control the course of life and death, and that may be the scariest part about it.

Of course I would laugh, have fun and hang out with my friends in the months after, but no part of me felt genuinely happy. To this day, I continue striving for this happiness, and it finally seems that I have come close to achieving it. Despite the loss of my father, I continue to live everyday life. During that summer, people always told me, “It gets better with time.” I did not know how that sadness could possibly go away, but it has. Although I still struggle with the pain and difficulties that came with losing my father, I feel like a stronger person because of my experience. I now know not to take anyone for granted. Life is a precious gift and shouldn’t be lightly. I do not want to lose anyone I love, but I know it will happen again. I no longer fear that day, because I know that I am strong enough to handle anything that comes my way. I’ve learned to appreciate life for all it is, and to love everyone while I still can. There is a huge level of grief that comes with losing a loved one, but fearing that is pointless.

I had a special relationship with my father, and when he looked at me I felt all of the pride and love he felt for me. I don’t think any of that has gone away.

– By Katie Robbins